To: Scott Summers, c/o X-Corps
From: Charles Xavier, Motel 6, New Orleans
As I struggle to recover my past after being shot in the head by that douchebag Bishop, I have made another breakthrough. I have recently recovered my memories of sitcoms from the 1980s; I recently purchased the entire series of Family Matters on DVD, and I am finding great solace in reliving those wonderful years. Oh, how I love that Urkel! “Did I Do That?” – it never stops being funny. That little boy is truly chicken soup for the amnesiac’s soul.
Speaking of Family Matters, how are your brothers? You know, the crazy intergalactic mass murderer, and the prisoner whom he tortures to help unwind after a hard day at work decimating planets? Perhaps when you have a moment between enjoying the welcoming community you have found in San Francisco and dealing with those Ghost Boxes – whatever the hell they are (seriously, like five issues of AXM and a miniseries and I still have no clue) – you might check in with the Summers boys.
Oh, great – even as I write this, I get word that they went and got my lady killed! Thanks so much for doing nothing whatsoever to prevent that. Don’t you worry about me though, I’m sure I’ll be able to find another super-hot alien princess with a thing for bald men in no time at all.
And what’s new with Cable, your son or your grandfather or whatever the hell he is? I’m sure he’s grateful for the brief time the two of you spent together, before you send him back to a future dystopian hell, just like the one where he spent the first 55 years of his life, except this time there are cockroach-man soldiers and a ruthless Bishop hunting him down like a dog. Your “best dad ever” mug is in the mail.
Gambit sends his best – yes, somehow he and I have crossed paths again. Maybe it’s my memory playing tricks on me, but he seems at once both more aggressive than he used to be, and also a bit effeminate. It’s very “Village People”, and quite unsettling. Yes, I remember the Village People. As I recall, I didn’t much care for them. No, I was more of a Kool and the Gang man in those days. Ah those old days, Kool and the Gang on the stereo and you and Jean in your disco outfits with the gigantic lapels, and me in my… well, my chair and tartan blanket, but a hip cat just the same. Then you kids would go team up with Spider-Man to save John Belushi and Gilda Radner.
Whatever happened to those two by the way? My memories of what became of the Not-Ready-for-Prime-Time Players have yet to return, but I assume that both Belushi and Radner went on to live long, happy lives, enjoying the fruits of their talents before settling down to a comfortable retirement.
I’m afraid that I’m going to have to cut this letter short Scott, Urkel’s suspenders just fell off again and I can’t concentrate on writing to you while I’m enjoying sophisticated humor. Please send my best regards to anyone left who hasn’t been killed in space and/or the future.