Uncanny X-Men is one title that I have not looked forward to reading in a very long time. It is just bad writing. Period. There is no doubt in my mind that Uncanny X-Men #473 will be just as bad as what has come before it. Only because I have been collecting this title forever am I still getting this title. Luckily for us long suffering Uncanny X-Men fans, Ed Brubaker will soon be here with issue #475 to rescue us from this long run of mediocrity on this title.
Writer: Chris Claremont, Roger Cruz and Tony Bedard
Penciler: Victor Olazaba
Inker: Antonio Fabela
Art Rating: 6 Night Girls out of 10.
Story Rating: 1 Night Girls out of 10
Total Rating: 3 Night Girls out of 10
Synopsis: All right, we here at the Revolution have always prided ourselves on giving a nicely detailed synopsis of the comic books we review. I am not going to do that with this issue. Why? Because the story is so convoluted in an uninteresting way that I just don’t fell like getting into it. Ok, let’s get this over with. The issue starts with Jamie Braddock gone and the X-Men recovering from his appearance. The story is narrated by, well you know, it is either going to be Psylocke or Rachel Grey since, evidently, there are no other X-Men these writers are interested in. Anyway, Psylocke is narrating this story. Nightcrawler teleports himself, Psylocke, Bishop, Cannonball and Rachel Grey (Gotta have her involved! She just doesn’t get enough face time!) off to somewhere unknown. They re-appear in Central Park which is far beyond where Nightcrawler can usually teleport. He could do it this time because Jamie was “pulling” Nightcrawler to this location. The Watcher then appears where the X-Men are. Not a good sign. We then go into a boring speech by Marvel girl about Chaos Theory relating to how Jamie’s powers work. Psylocke then yammers on about the “Foursaken” a group of four friends that Jamie used to be a part of. The four entered into a trans-Sahara rally and a terrible sandstorm hit and only Jamie survived. He went insane after that.
Then we cue the Watcher. Normally, he just watches and doesn’t get involved. Hence the name “the Watcher.” But, in this intensely dense and convoluted story the writers have decided to let him blah blah blah about the Universe. That the Phoenix is the spark that ignites creation and the final fire that consumes it. But, nature is about balance. So, we have the First Fallen to balance out the Phoenix. The Phoenix is female. The First Fallen is male. Phoenix perpetuates the cycle of life, death, and rebirth. The First Fallen seeks to send it. His goal is a perfection that must never change. Evidently the span of the universe is broken into seven stages, pillars of wisdom, like the days in a week. Four have already passed. On each of these “cosmic days” the First Fallen has gathered a “Servitor.” They are his forsaken. (Oh god, please end this now! I feel like I’m stuck in the most boring history class in college.)
Suddenly a pillar of energy appears in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Rachel then screams in pain. The source of the energy pillar lashed out against Rachel. Then salamanders come flying out of the pillar of energy and start stealing the souls of all the people in the city. (Seriously, I’m not making this up.) Nobody can touch the salamanders except for Psylocke. (Of course, why do we even have any members of the X-Men other than Rachel Grey and Psylocke?) The Salamanders are carrying the souls of all the citizens back to the energy pillar.
All of the sudden, Godfrey Calthrop, one of Jamie Braddock’s friends that was a part of the Foursome, appears. But, now he has super powers. And we have a brawl. During the fight, another one of the Foursome appears, Ned Horrocks. He also now has super powers. The two bad guys take out Rachel, Bishop and Cannonball. We then go to the source of the energy pillar where Jamie Braddock is being held captive. And there we see the last of the Foursome, Amina. Nightcrawler and Psylocke are sneaking around the base trying to decide how to stop them. They split up and Nightcrawler gets captured. The bad guys don’t know that Psylocke is running loose because they can’t detect her and the salamanders can’t see her. Psylocke attacks the main power source and everything comes apart. The First Fallen then sucks everyone to wherever he is located. End of issue.
The Good: What stuns me is that it takes three writers to create such a horrendous story. I really have nothing positive to say about this train wreck of a storyline.
The art is average at best. It doesn’t make the comic unreadable, but it adds nothing to the reading experience.
The Bad: I could go on and on forever about how terrible this story is. I don’t know which of the three writers is at fall for this mess, so I’ll place the blame on all of them. Uncanny X-Men is just horrid. It has sunk to an all new low. Uncanny X-Men #473 was practically unreadable.
This plotline is as interesting as watching paint dry. It is unnecessarily convoluted and is very dry and dense. There is absolutely nothing about this storyline that even remotely interests me. The First Fallen? The Foursome? Soul eating salamanders? Uggggh. I’ll pass on all of the above. And the dialogue is totally uninspiring. Seriously, this was one boring issue.
And I am so sick of Rachel Grey and Psylocke being shoved down my throat. There are so many great characters on the X-Men, but you would never know that. All we every get is the Rachel Grey and Psylocke show.
Honestly, Brubaker cannot start on Uncanny X-Men fast enough. This title has been terrible for quite some time. Hopefully, Brubaker can make Uncanny X-Men a good read again. It has been a long time since that was the case.
As far as the art is concerned, it does nothing to add to the comic book. I think it is rather sloppy and lacks consistency from panel to panel.
It really is stunning how wretched Uncanny X-Men has become. Help us Brubaker you’re our only hope.