Verily, mine allergies be a bitch! What’s more, I have for years believed myself hearing impaired and suffering from the inner ear condition Meniere’s Disease, like the mortal Venture Bros. creator Doc Hammer. It always seemed likely, considering my long history in the music business (and irresponsible parents who let me go out to my first concerts alone at age 11 – (“oh, AC/DC, it’s pretty crowded, I’ll bet the most comfortable place for me is to sit on the guitar amp for the next three hours”), people always telling me to shut up because I’m speaking too loud, and a frequent ringing in my ears. That, and a frequent sense of feeling off balance and a truly barfalicicious vertigo sensation.
Now that my nose is also expunging horrors not seen since Ragnarok, I finally deigned visit a Midgard ENT doctor, who informed me that while I suffered from nearly every ear, nose and throat disease, technically my hearing was fine, because my problems were the result of a deformed sinus cavity which could not be treated by any means known to man. This mortal twit did fancy himself quite the wordsmith, and he certainly prided himself on his euphemisms: I believe his words were: “You ever see Grand Central Station at 5:00 pm? That’s what’s going on in there. It’s packed to the gills, things are routed in the wrong direction, some entrances and exits are closed off entirely – you’re technically healthy as a horse, but you will have completely untreatable ear, nose and throat problems for the rest of your life. Have a nice day now!”
I believe I shall mount his head in my royal trophy room, but first I must needs take mine Odinsleep. The best this Earthly medicine man could do was to recommend a saline spray, but that has not only failed to soothe mine oozes, itches and aches – rather, it has added insult to injury: no matter how much mead, grog, and golden apples I consume, all I can taste is Helen Hunt!
I go now to my Odin racecar bed, and let none dare wake me from my slumber or they shall be punished with a private viewing of what lays beneath mine eye patch – the Odinmoist!.
