Mutant Memorandum 2: Xavier’s Rebuttal

From: “Charles Xavier” (smoothscalp4u@jdate.com)
To: “Scott Summers” (rubyred@xmail.com)
Date: May 16, 2009 1:27:15 AM EDT
Subject: Your Take-Charge Tough Guy Memo

Scott:

As my memories slowly return to me, I am forced to question whether they are real, or manipulations by Mr. Sinister. Yes, he’s back. Long story. I quite suddenly remembered the password for the X-Men Intranet, and when I tested my memory of my login, I couldn’t help but stumble upon your charming memorandum. You’ve certainly come a long way from the boy who wanted to climb into bed with me and Lilandra when he had nightmares – I believe that began shortly after I went to the very wheelchair-inaccessible moon to try to save your girlfriend. You didn’t seem to object to putting others in danger at the time, as I recall.

Professor, I think there are monsters under my bed… can I sleep with you guys tonight?

Too bad that didn’t work out, but congratulations on finally getting her back and celebrating by cheating on her with not just an enemy, but a member of the Inner Circle that was largely responsible for Jean’s devastating fate. Mind you, I would tear Emma up like a Liefeld issue of New Mutants, but I’m not the one sending sanctimonious memos, am I? Way to sleep with the enemy, by the way. I hear Northstar‘s back, why don’t you set him up with Apocalypse? And of course we all know Emma has a wonderful track record of keeping her students safe – oh wait, I’m sorry, now I remember – 95% of her students end up dying horribly. Hellions my ass.

You know Scott, you should walk a mile in my shoes before casting judgment upon me. Unfortunately, you couldn’t walk a mile in my shoes, because every time I had my mobility restored, I was back in the wheelchair in about five minutes because of something I had to do to save your sorry ass. You may have noticed that I’ve been fully ambulatory since you and I parted company. Not a coincidence.

Let’s remember that I was a crippled mutant with alopecia – proof that God does, in fact, hate mutants – and I was charged with being the first to train young mutants. That’s a heavy load to carry, but not nearly as heavy as your emotional baggage – “Professor, my Ray-Bans hurt, they scrunch my ears”. Boo. F***ing. Hoo. And I know, your childhood was traumatizing, what with getting beaten on regularly by your stepfather, and your step brother the Juggernaut – no, wait, that’s my childhood. I’ve often been a physical cripple and knowing me I will likely be one again soon, but at least I’m not an emotional cripple.

Say hi to the group for me, I’m glad you’ve got assembled such a competent team – like Henry, the man so unbelievably brilliant that he thought it would be a good idea to drink monkey serum. Oh, and I hear Madelyne Pryor‘s back – try not to encourage her to release Hell on Earth again, would you?

Oh, and I’ve just had a breakthrough and recovered another memory – I remember that you’re a total dick.

All the Best,

Charles

Groovy Superhero

5 Comments

  1. Ouch! This was great. Cut the wikipedia links, though. My first issue of X-Men was during Morrison’s penultimate story. Armed with a Wizard, some cheap trades and a whole lot of dollar-bin diving, I pieced together the vast canon of X-Men history that would probably make less sense if I had actually read every issue of X-Men and related books. Let them suffer like I did!

  2. LOL… “Hell On Earth..” that has got to be one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read.

  3. This was amazing. I don’t laugh out loud at many things, but the fully ambulatory since leaving/not a coincidence and stepfather/Juggernaut bits had me laughing. We need more Xavier memos to Scott.

  4. @Groovy Superhero
    Hahahahaha, thanks.

    Well, Groovy, everything has a price. Years with that information eating away at me have left me sterile to most X-Men books. I can barely tolerate Uncanny as my only X-ongoing right now, what with all of the forgotten mighty mutant minxes. I lost 2lbs reading the Rise & Fall of the Shi'ar empire. I'm recovering by going through Millar's Ultimate X-Men and staring longingly at my New X-Men run (which I have in both trade and singles, thank you.)

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